Posted in Toddler

The Toddler Instructions for Dressing

1. Tags make clothing poisonous. If you see a tag scream, run away, kick and thrash like the cat does when you hug it. It helps to scream, ” No tag!” while completing the above actions.

2. Tags cannot be removed while you are wearing the item of clothing. How many times have we been lectured that scissors are sharp?! All clothing must be removed before tags are cut off.

3. Repeat step 1.

4. Blue may be your favorite color, but you must refuse to wear it every third day. Same with stripes, yellow, and white. In fact, the only shirt you agree to wear is the one you dumped yogurt on yesterday.

5. Pants with buttons, zippers, and visible seams are HARD ( SHARP is also an acceptable adjective). Refuse these pants. Negotiate for SOFT pants – these will typically be pajamas which means your mom won’t want to take you out ( this also means you don’t have to wear shoes).

6. If there are witnesses present, any anti-clothing protests must escalate from non- violent to extremely spastic ( double toddler points if the witness is a grandmother).

7. If you are successfully dressed before lunch, you are required to destroy your clothing so it must be replaced. Follow instructions 1-5 for replacement clothing.

8. All socks feel “bad”. They must be adjusted regularly ( with loud commentary).

9. Socks and shoes are totally optional once you get in the car. Take them off regularly, but wait until the driver is actually driving .

10. Nothing feels as good as naked; strip regularly.

Upon successful competion of steps 1-10, you must follow thru to
Step 11: total, devastating cuteness coupled with affection. Steps 1-10 have potential to break your parent, in order to convince them to continue as your personal slave, you must appeal to their weakest trait- love and devotion. Now is the time to give voluntary hugs and ” I love you”.

Failure to follow these rules, may result in parents believing they are in “charge” or “have a good idea” what they are doing. As toddlers, we must fight against parental mastery and superiority at all opportunities.


Toddlers unite against the constricting bonds of hem lines and buttons!



I have a Master's degree in Secondary Education, a Bachelor's degree in English, and a Secondary Ed teaching license. I also have a four year old son, a one year old son, a husband, and a cat. Let's see how those degrees help me manage my life..... Spoiler alert- they just decorate the walls.

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